Meanwhile, back at the camp...

[Mister_Sinister]

This is mostly so that Awkward Map and Agita have something to do while we get through Nick and Sohala.

Not long after Sohala's departure, Bertha, keeping an eye out for dangers, spots a small, flying creature in the distance, lugging an almost comically oversized sack in the direction of the camp. As it gets closer, it appears to be an imp of some sort. Once it is within earshot, it yells, in an annoying, squeaky voice:

"Don't hurt! Me friend! Me have gifts from Master Belial in sack! Don't hurt!"

[Agita]

Bertha is lazily lying on her back and half dozing off when she spots the approaching imp. As it gets closer, she says, "Bart, catch." Suddenly, the armored bear rears up, almost jumping off the ground, and catches the imp by its tail between his two front paws. Rolling over to her belly and them sitting up, Bertha looks cooly at the imp. "And what makes Belial think we'd want his gifts?"

[Awkward Map]

Veldor looks up from the book he was studying.  "Hm?  Did you say something Bertha?"  He notices Bart tussling with an imp.  "Oh."

[Mister_Sinister]

As soon as Bart grabs hold of the imp, it starts to scream in a horrible voice.

"Me no hurt you! Me bring gift! Me no enemy! Put me down! I have gifts for you from Master Belial! Me no enemy!"

In the process of being grabbed, it lets go of the sack it was half-carrying, half-dragging here, causing it to hit the ground with a thud. By the sound of it, there are at least four objects in it.

[Agita]

"Hmph." Grumpily, Bertha looks at the squirming and squealing imp between Bart's paws. The headache still isn't gone. Still hours to go until her daily morning prayer. "Bart, let go. Imp, say what else you have to say and then leave us alone. I'm in a rotten mood right now."

[Mister_Sinister]

The imp appears genuinely relieved at being released by the bear, and starts to go on in its horribly shrill voice.

"Many thank you, yes yes! Gifts for you all from Master Belial. He said was his finest! Very happy they make you, yes yes! Me go back to city now! Enjoy gifts you will!

With these words, the imp flies away, before turning invisible.

[Awkward Map]

"Spying on us even now, under the pretense of bearing gifts.  Bastards don't know when to quit."  Veldor picks himself up from the bedroll he laid out and walks over to the sack.  He pours the contents out onto the ground, surveying them after casting detect magic.

Veldor chuckles.  "You know, I've never seen an imp that scared."

[Mister_Sinister]

The contents of the bag, when spilled on the ground, surprise even the onlookers, who had likely suspected they had seen everything once they had experienced kobolds dropping massive oil air bursts and bears which fired lasers, teleported and fought using the Sublime Way. However, these items were a new level of bizarre entirely.

The first thing to hit the ground is a pink, fleshy rod. It resembles a large penis, tattooed with runic symbols. It has two buttons on the base, and appears roughly as large as a short sword, and approximately as broad. After it, a pair of metallic clamps, shaped to fit humanoid nipples, made of black iron worked with silver, etched with scenes of torture and sex. The clamps are connected with a chain that appears like braided thorns.

Quite a bit of bag-shaking is required to dislodge the next item, which looks like a long bladed lash of paper- thin metal hearts linked with braided hair. It also has a spiked hilt, and is coloured black. The last object is a shackle-clasp made of iron chain, with a curved thorn hanging from it.

For Veldor

Detect magic yields the following auras, respectively: moderate evocation, moderate transmutation, moderate enchantment and moderate necromancy.

[Awkward Map]

With a sigh, he pulls a monocle from his pocket and places it in front of his left eye.  "It looks like these items are magical.  It'll be a few minutes to find out what they do."  Remaining crouching he picks each item up in turn, closing his right eye and focusing on the item through the monocle.

Using the Artificer's Monocle^{MIC 72} ability to study each item more intently for 1 minute each to figure out what they can do as if casting identify.

[Mister_Sinister]

For Veldor

Shaft of Might
Price: 12,000gp
Body Slot: Weapon
Manifester Level: 10th
Aura: Moderate, Evocation
Activation: Use activated(spellcasting)/ Swift(somatic, size change function)
This short pink, fleshy rod resembles nothing so much as a living phallus tattooed with runic symbols. When the wielder casts a spell, it vibrates, increasing the power of the spell used. A button on the base causes it extend, while a second button activates the empowering effect. The rod must be rubbed vigorously to restore it to it's compact form.

The wielder can cast up to three spells per day of up to 3rd level that are empowered as though using the Empower Spell feat.
The wielder can also cast a spell of up to 3rd level  that can be cast as a standard action to be stored into it. Any time the weapon strikes a creature and the creature takes damage from it, the weapon can immediately cast the spell on that creature as a free action  if the wielder desires. (This special ability is an exception to the general rule that casting a spell from an item takes at least as long as casting that spell normally.) Once the spell has been cast from the weapon, a spellcaster can cast any other targeted spell of up to 3rd level into it. The weapon magically imparts to the wielder the name of the spell currently stored within it.
It has 3 forms:
Compact: Masterwork Small Club
Released: Masterwork Greatclub
Fully Released: Masterwork Large Greatclub but with 10ft reach and can be wielded by a Medium creature with proficiency.


Nipple Clamps of Exquisite Pain, Greater
Price: 12,000gp
Body Slot: Ring(on nipples)
Manifester Level: 10th
Aura: Moderate, Transmutation
Activation: Use activated
This is a pair of nipple clamps of spikes of black iron worked with silver, etched with scenes of torture and sex and connected with braided thorns. The wearer converts all pain recieved into pleasure.
The wearer of this clamp is immune to the effects of, but not damage caused by pain . The clamp converts all
pain into a pleasurable sensation.
Whenever the wearer of this item is targeted by a pain effect or recieves 10 or more damage in one round, he gains a +2 morale bonus to attack and damage rolls for one round.

Lash of Love
Price: 12,000gp
Body Slot: Weapon
Manifester Level: 10th
Aura: Moderate, Enchantment
Activation: Use activated

This is a long bladed lash of paper thin metal hearts linked with braided hair. The spiked hilt radiates a feeling of love and hate entwined.

On a successful hit, this lash inflicts an artificial sense of love on a target, changing his attitude to Friendly(as per Charm Person, except it can affect any creature with an intelligence score) for 3 rounds, unless he succeeds on a Will save at DC 17. Multiple hits in the same round provokes only one save, but increases the DC by +1 per hit.
The wielder must make a will save at the same DC as the victim when the above effect triggers or become filled with hate and attack the target with the lash for the next 3 rounds whenever possible, even if the target is already unconscious. He suffers a -2 morale penalty to AC and saves against all other opponents, but gains a +4 bonus to hit and damage against his victim while in this maddened state.
This is a [Mind Affecting] effect. Multiple failed saves overlap their durations for both wielder and victim. The wielder counts the duration of each hate effect for every separate victim.
This weapon functions as a Masterwork Merciful Spinning Sword, except the Merciful ability cannot be suppressed. Mindless creatures and inanimate objects receive normal lethal damage.
Effective Stats: 2d6 nonlethal slashing 19-20/x2, 10ft reach, can strike adjacent

Shackles of Shared Sensation
Price: 12,000gp 3x10x1800x2/5
Body Slot: Arms
Manifester Level: 10th
Aura: Moderate, Necromancy
Activation: Standard(somatic)/Swift(Verbal)
A single shackle clasp of iron chains melted into a crude band. A single curved thorn hangs from it.
When hurled at an enemy, the thorn spirals around the part it strikes, expanding into a matching shackle.
As a standard action, the wearer of the Shackles can detach a thorn from his master clasp and throw the thorn at a target within 60ft as a ranged touch attack. If it hits, the thorn wraps around the target to form a matching slave clasp, forming a bond between target and wearer for 10 minutes. At the end of the duration, the slave clasp crumbles to rusty powder.
Once used, the thorn requires 24 hours to grow back.
The bond causes the target to share all his senses with the wearer, and vice versa, allowing them to see, hear, feel, smell and taste the same sensations.
All hit point damage, ability damage, healing, pain effects and pleasure effects dealt to or affecting one affects the other equally.
Additionally, while the effect lasts, the wearer can treat the subject as being within reach for the purpose of touch spells and effects by touching the master clasp instead. When this function is used, the slave clasp overloads and disintegrates at the start of the next round. Instantaneous effects delivered through this function also affect the wearer equally.

[Awkward Map]

Plopping back to sit on his butt, Veldor looks over at Bertha.  "Well..."  He goes on to paraphrase the abilities of the Shaft of Might, Greater Nipple Clamps of Exquisite Pain, Lash of Love and Shackles of Shared Sensation.  "So... yeah.  There we are."

Running a hand through his hair he looks at the items.  "I don't have a need for any of these.  You?"

[Nick]

OOC

Basically, Meepo comes back, asks about the items, mentions that the ability to have full sensory and mental input with one's summons makes one a far better scout, or support unit, particularly when you can cast heals through it without being in harms way. Or use scout summons to get awesome scouting info. So Meepo recommends Veldor take that item.

Nipple clamps provide a bonus to combat, and the bears would be more awesome for that since they are in the frontlines and hence would take damage. If Bertha and group objects to it on moral and aesthetic grounds, Meepo will gladly take it.

As for the penis, Meepo reasons that charging it with a good contact spell and letting Meepo ubercharge with it might be awesome. That or keeping a heal in there so that Meepo can dart around for a timely heal would be nice too. If not, it gives Noxatra a pretty good backup weapon with the spellstoring function for an added bonus.

As for the whip, Meepo will hold onto it for awhile.

[Awkward Map]

OOC

Veldor ponders what Meepo has said and agrees that the shackles would be a good choice.  He's fine with Meepo using the staff, because he's seen him in action destroying things with a laser sword.  Jumping over to the current thread now.

[Agita]

Bertha will take the clamps as per Meepo's recommendation, albeit reluctantly. She'll definitely see what she can do about getting them... redesigned by the next artificer she finds.

Assuming we're fast-forwarding to after everyone has prayed, Bertha will also cast Sending, targetting the Mother Superior of B.E.A.R. The message is as follows: 'Rift connects Age of A to at least three other worlds. Made contact with inhabitants. Devils had set up camp, pointed out alien invasion force.' Unless she replies right away, she'll send a second one, because that alone isn't really enough: 'Force too close to mobilize resistance; was pressured into deal with devils to protect Age. Made it clear that you have authority to overrule me.'

I hate this spell. I'm much too in love with verbose elaborations and decent grammar to cram everything I want to say into 25 words.
Next time, I'm working out a code beforehand.