Tier system for Cheese

[Hasmadad]

Tier system for Cheese

My general philosophy is that the only balance that really matters in D&D is the intercheese balance between the various cheese in a group.  If the group as a whole is very flavourful and moldy, the DM can simply up the taste level and texture of the encounters.  If it's weak or hasn´t ripened yet, the DM can lower the taste level and texture.  Serious issues arise when some of the dairy products are extremely powerful and others are extremely weak, leading to a situation where the DM has two choices: either make the cheese too mild for the true connoiseurs, or too flavourful for the amateurs.  Neither is desireable.  Thus, this system is created for the following purposes:

1)  To provide a ranking system so that DMs know roughly the taste of the cheese in their group

2)  To provide players with knowledge of where their cheese stands, flavour-wise, so that they can better build taste buds that fit with their cheese.

Varieties of goat milk cheese are mostly absent simply because I don't have enough experience with them. Other absent varieties are generally missing because I don't know them well enough to comment, though if I've heard a lot about them they're listed in itallics.

TIER SYSTEM

Tier 1: Penicillium Candida

Capable of overwhelming the most ardent of connoiseurs and bringing tears to the eyes of even the most hardened souls with their mere aroma. Most of these have had the "blue-vein" or "soft-ripened" template applied to them, bringing them up from mere chalky tier 2 or 3 cheeses to their full might. If you bring these types of cheese into your game, be prepared that no other types will even be remembered or even tasted. You can only serve them in very small doses, and even then only with a suitable catalyst, such as a salt cracker.

Examples: Gorgonzola, Roquefort, Stilton, Limburger, Appenzeller, Munster

Tier 2: Hard Cheese

Good for grating and as an addition to food as a topping. Too strong to be eaten as is, and usually quite hard due to being packed into large forms and aged for long periods of time, even years. Seasoned connoiseurs can appreciate their distinct flavour, but most people would think them too salty or dry. Some of these have to be melted in a grill to release their aroma. Recommended for those wine & cheese evenings, but go well as a snack with a beer too.

Examples: Pecorino-Romano, Parmesan, Raclette, Mimolette

Tier 3: Semi-Hard

This is the flavour that most people are happiest with. These types of cheese are easy to cut, and can be applied to almost any cooking, ranging from salad toppings to bases for cheese-fondue. This is what most people think as the "optimum cheese" or "cheese prime", imaging their orange-yeallow tint and mild but still distinct aroma

Examples: Cheddar, Gloucester, Emmental, Monterey Jack, Beaufort

Tier 4: Semi-Soft

Still good as a cooking cheese, but seems to be lacking that special "something" in flavor. Usually quite raw when delivered and only reaches it´s full potential if left to ripen for a few weeks after purchas. Good in sandwitches, but not recommended in any sort of social gathering. Some very soft cheese, such as the famous Serra de Estrela can be found here, due to not fitting into tier 5.

Examples: Gouda, Jarlsberg, Edam, Toscanello

Tier 5: Weak

Cheese that is still maturing or that has a high moisture content. Usually almost to totally tasteless, and contains very little fat (and thus any type of aroma). For people who want to eat cheese for health purposes but hate the taste. Some of these are so moist that they are runny in room temperature. A true horror for any serius cheeselover.

Examples: Port Salut, Fontainebleau, Vignotte,

...Don´t ask.

[JaronK]

This is BS.  You're clearly trying to force everyone to serve Penicillium Candida all the time.  Why would anyone ever use Cheddar if it's lower ranked and thus clearly worse? 

JaronK

[KellKheraptis]

Well given that I'm allergic to Penicillin, I guess my main dish is "Saganaki."  Fits, given that it's doused in brandy and served on fire

EDIT : Oh yeah, and stinks so bad it could drive Dispater out of the Iron Citadel.

[Solo]

What cheese should I serve to a DM who thinks wizards are weaker than monks?

[KellKheraptis]

What cheese should I serve to a DM who thinks wizards are weaker than monks?

Chrono-Muenster.  As in wire-hanger all his notable NPC's family tree from your safe, secure demiplane

Or if you'd rather, go Saganaki in the form of Thermonuclear Locate City on an entire continent.

[CantripN]

What cheese should I serve to a DM who thinks wizards are weaker than monks?

Funny. Even a PHB Wizard made right can win easy. It's simply a matter of having right spells.

[JaronK]

I feel like there should be a note that American Cheese can't really be in this tiering system, as it's technically not cheese and thus doesn't fit in any tier.

JaronK

[The_Mad_Linguist]

Tier systems are stupid because ethey dont'a take into accout nthings like clrtackers or wines or other otjuside influences wheich make them ocmpeltely pointless - if I give everyone Synsepalum dulcificum at my table the "Strong" cheeses aren't strong at all I mean come on

[Agita]

I feel like there should be a note that American Cheese can't really be in this tiering system, as it's technically not cheese and thus doesn't fit in any tier.

JaronK

Then you should probably also exclude frozen pizza cheese.

[Prime32]

One of my players wants to use cheesecake, but I'm uncertain whether to allow non-standard cheeses. What do I do?

[Anklebite]

I find that this tier system is completely wrong in regards to gouda, which I find to have an excellent taste. this holds true for jarlsberg as well.

[The_Mad_Linguist]

Dudes, I've made steaks with cream cheese spreads that were excellent!  Why the heck is it rated so low?!?!? 

[deuxhero]

Huh, the cheese I buy is nothing like that *Wikipedia*

Oh, Muenster!=Munster. Nevermind.

What do the italicized cheeses mean?

[Zombieboots]

Will Prestigious Cheeses be added to this list?

I suggest the powerful Fro-Mage be added to the list.

[Anklebite]

I can't help but feel that the logic behind the ranking for swiss has too many holes in it.

[Sinfire Titan]

One of my players wants to use cheesecake, but I'm uncertain whether to allow non-standard cheeses. What do I do?

OK, all of these posts are funny, but this one made me laugh.

[Anklebite]

One of my players wants to use cheesecake, but I'm uncertain whether to allow non-standard cheeses. What do I do?

OK, all of these posts are funny, but this one made me laugh.

the answer, of course, is that he is not using a non-standard cheese; merely a reflavored one with a slightly different, yet improved mechanic.

[JaronK]

I invented my own cheese.  Where does it fit on the rankings?

[Anklebite]

I invented my own cheese.  Where does it fit on the rankings?

depends on how strong the smell is.

rankings

rank

see what I did there?

[Hasmadad]

I find that this tier system is completely wrong in regards to gouda, which I find to have an excellent taste. this holds true for jarlsberg as well.

This is only because you are more experienced with this type of cheese. When you get accustomed to the distinct taste of a certain cheese, then for you, that cheese might even be considered to have gone up a tier. Also take into account that the way you storage your cheese is a great variable, that can lead  to your cheese gaining the "well ripened" dairial trait, reaching maximum cheesiness after you´ve let it stand for months after it´s expiration date. Even a mild brie can be made into a contender with this method. It just requires you to put more time and effort into your cheese.

These are nothing more than guidelines after all.